Random

I'm too old to run away.
One time I had a blood brother, but I can't even remember who that was anymore. I cut, he cut and put our cuts together and declared ourselves blood brother and sister. I see a blurry face in my mind, but can't grab the name. I was too young. I'm too old for such foolishness.
I keep telling myself the urge to run away is some left over instinct from kidhood that rises up in me when I'm hurt.
I'm too old... I'm too old... I'm too old.
I'm too young to be truly wise and too old to get away with being foolish.
I'm too broken to be beautiful and broken enough to be attractive. It huts to be noticed all the time and yet I know it would when I no longer am I will feel lonelier than I often do.
I love my family and I don't know who my family is all the time. Some days I say "dad" and I expect everyone to know who I mean but"dad" can mean 3 different people.
I'm not talented enough at anything to be truly brilliant.
I'm not good or smart or witty.
I'm in the middle. 36. Too old to start having babies but the longing sometimes to have more is there.
My body isn't tired, but it is creeping up on me.
I feel distant from youth but no connection to my age.
I know heartache well but no proper way to express it.
Sometimes life feels weary.
I feel like a cat that's lived 8 of her 9 lives.

on shore again...

i am up waiting for steve to get in from this last hitch, its been a month since he was home. with this comes a feeling of opening up a fortune cookie and seeing what i get and the other like seeing how much is in my savings account and seeing i dont really have much saved, not like i should. this life here is like a saving account, sometimes i invest in it and do the right thing like i am suppose to, and sometimes i spend "life" on other things, other people. it is not with quilt or a secret to others i dont believe that i want to invest "life" in my girls and grandchildren as much as i can from this island i have put myself on. its not a bad life here, its just not filled with all those i love , i feel like a quest here and keep waiting to go back "home".